Angry

I'm angry, at me, at the world, at life,at fate, at karma..... I am such crap, I try to be this good person, but I don't how to be, I've tried to fake it til I make it so long I don't know if I made it, or I'm still faking it. People don't get me, they don't even try too, every laugh I get is to cover up a hurt, I hurt because I am so undesirable nobody wants me, anyone I ever love is in love with someone else. How am I ever going to believe in myself if no one else will, is it stupid to want to be someone's hero ? I'm so sad I can't  stand it, but I gutless to try suicide again You can't fathom what it is like to be me, I just want to be special to someone, is that an unrealistic expectation ? screw this, screw me !

Do you know what it is like to know, no matter what you do, you don't make a difference in anyone's life, even my dad died being disappointed in me, 2 failed marriages, first one lasted 5 years, she was looking for a father figure, what the hell do I know about being a father ? My father wasn't a father to me, he was a cruel disciplinarian and a provider, except he couldn't provide love or nurturing, the things that build a cushion for you to fall back on, when disappointment comes along, I was trying to be a husband with no example to go by, and failed, I tried it again wit a second marriage, I fell hard, even prayed that nothing would happen to her and her son, that to put it on me, but I wasn't accepted by her son, spent our entire marriage driving a wedge between his mother and I, then has the gull to blame me for the divorce and her death, don't know how he can live with that?

Eventually all the stress triggered a Bipolar disorder, what a ride that was, the ups, the downs, erratic things I did, I finally decided I had to end things with an attempted suicide, then a divorce cause the people I loved and supported for 20 years couldn't support me when it came my time to be ill, so yeah I am angry, cause all they could think of was themselves, is this what I worked so hard for ? I gave up the sky working 12 hour a day some times 6 dayz a week to give them a good home and food on the table. I have a daughter, she means the world to me, was my only family support, I so want to help her, but haven't the means too, just makes feel even more worthless. The one women who did love me back died so quickly on me it has shattered my soul, I write here because no one reads my stuff, I have a poetry website no one reads either, I feel so all alone and unloved....

Dreams

I woke up inside of a dream again, I got up and went and joined a protest line protesting genetically-modified foods at Monsanto headquarters, and government agents told us to go home because it was too late that Bees Cross pollination has caused there to be no more pure foods, the crowd started to throw rocks and I got hit in the head, I woke up for real with a headache. I wish my health were that I could join a protest, and stand side by side with my friends and show I stand for something......Laterz

Afoot

There is no lonelier feeling then being afoot without a phone because your van broke down and your pockets are almost empty as is your bank account, I couldn't call any friends to help, no money for a tow, or to even fix it. Oh try and get help from DHS, they don't care, seems like their job is to reject you, they don't tell you why, or what you are doing wrong, haven't been able to pay rent for months, will be thrown out on my ear I fear, no cable, no phone, no gas, no hot water, cupboards near empty, I need help and they don't care. Those who know how to play the game gets it all, me I have no game to play, or I don't know how to play it, or even the rules, all I know is apply and denied.

I'm just not good at asking for help, or saying how scared I am, no one reads my blog anyway so I can write what I want, my dreams are all slipping away and they are all that I have that keeps me alive :-(