I didn't ask for my life to be like this

I didn't ask for my life to be like this, it isn't what I wanted,
A normal life is what I sought, not to be alone and haunted
I dreamed of a family and kids of my own
not abandoned and left all alone

My first wife was infertile and a cheat who broke my heart
her secrets and lies is what drove us apart
My second was mean with a son, but I consented
to be his father, but of me he only resented

My last three girlfriends died really quick
it wasn't my fault but it's made me real sick
Even my fantasy relationship didn't work out
alwayz one way, when it's for me she's never about

I'm fastly becoming a bitter old man
because NOTHING turns out the way I plan
I didn't expect my life to be full of bliss
But I didn't ask for my life to be like this

© 2016 Paul Millard

Why ?

No one sees my struggle, they only see the trouble. not knowing it's hard to carry on when no one loves you but I still don't give up Why ?

Forgotten Begotten

It was hard to be married to someone who saw everyone else's pain but couldn't or didn't see mine, while everyone else got nurturing, I was left to my own devices as I was growing up, my feelings, my fears went unanswered leaving me all alone,  disenfranchised lost in my own little world, I wasn't wanted, except for my paycheck and health insurance, so when I left why was it my fault ? She pushed me away, no one wanted me to be family or they'd given me a part. I almost changed my mind and stayed until I came home and found MY tree stripped of it's bark left to die, I invested a lot of time and effort to see to it, that the tree grew up straight and balanced, it was a male Mulberry tree, so no fruit or sap dripping from it....anyway when they killed it, they killed any chance of me staying...... Nothing is changed I still help everyone, and no one is there for me, I have needs too. I am the forgotten begotten..

The forgotten Begotten

No one knows what it is like for me to not be wanted by anyone, to have to disassociate i order to survive the loneliness, I am NEVER anyone's priority, only an after thought, if I don't initiate there is nothing, and I am tired, it may be years before anyone finds this note because no one bathers to check out my Facebook information with the link to this site, my thoughts, all my poems all go unread, I'm dying and no one cares, It doesn't matter cause I don't matter....

The End

My chest has been hurting, the end may be near
I've had words to say but no one to hear
Not a shoulder to cry on, not even a hug
No one to kiss me, or give me some love

I'm so fat, I'm so ugly no one looks my way
She loved me a while ago, why not today ?
Silence isn't golden from the one that you love
only love left for me, comes from above

Died of a broken heart

Everyone knew I was falling apart
but did nothing to save me
so if you find me dead, and you will
I died alone of a broken heart

I've been crying everyday and I can't stop
everything bothers me and nothing is right
My therapist wasn't interested in seeing me
even she finds me hopeless I guess

Sharon Kesson dying was such a shock
I loved her so much, but then she was gone
we only just begun and then I was one
she's the first one I loved who loved me back

Everyone else i loved, was in love with someone else, there just is no love for me, it is so lonely without any human touch, I'm so repulsive I can't even get a kiss

I tried to belong, but I just don't fit
not being loved drives me out of my wits
I begged for love, but it never came
and with no where else to go, I go insane

I never knew

I never knew loneliness could hurt so much,
longer it goes on the more I am out of touch
I never knew the years could go by so fast,
not sure how much longer my sanity can last

I never knew that I would lose hope,
without your love I just can't cope
I never knew I would feel so lost,
I gave my heart freely and look what it cost

I never knew I'd feel so depressed,
when I think of you, I feel so obsessed
I never knew that I'd want to die
cause without you, all I do is cry.

© 2014 Paul A. Millard